Growing pains - New relationships
Okay so I got onto the college course, I attended counselling, continued working, went on holiday twice, continued my weight loss mainly. I did overindulge in going out a little at one point but you have to let loose at one point. The main thing was that I did it inbetween focusing on my health and getting into mostly good habits, like reading and exercise which I have mentioned previously.
On one escapade which I took by chance I actually met someone. It was after a gig, my friend ran into a bunch of people he knew fairly well and there was a guy sitting there who i had seen tagged in photos with my friend on facebook and thought "well he is very good looking". By this point I had decided I had nothing to lose because well, the worst had happened and I wasn't looking for a relationship.
So I sat down, a pulled up a chair (literally) next to this handsome guy who obviously I felt was a bit out of my league but I was post gig and alcohol and didn't care at this point. The night ended with us walking in the rain and him asking me to go to the pictures with him which I thought was very old school, he seemed kind of shy actually and not like the kind of guy I would have gone for in the past, so I said yes.
We started casually dating for two months we would meet up and go for drinks, he was very polite and didn't really try too hard. Infact he was very reserved which I was absolutely not used to. He didn't kiss me for the first two dates which I thought was very strange. I wondered if he liked me at all or if he was just bored - this was due to my low self esteem and past history of guys trying to rush EVERYTHING.
It turned out he was just trying to be gentleman, it also turned out we would have our third date in Amsterdam which was a total surprise, I didn't know what to think when we both accidentally ended up on the same plane - I almost didn't want to see him because I was still quite shy in my own way. But it was great seeing him and we finally did kiss - bizarre to be writing about a new romance on here but it's all part of what has happened since and it does tie back into the subject, i'm not just blagging or whatever.
We started our relationship in August and it's now coming towards the end of January. He's one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, but it is so hard to open yourself up to someone, even if they are patient, kind and super respectful.
Letting someone else where someone else has been and broken before is difficult and this is a process I am currently trying to deal with. I know for sure he's not a narc - he's not declared love or asked me to move in or asked for all of my time, he gives me space but isn't distant. He takes me on dates to the pictures and for walks on nice days. He's just a beautiful person but I can't bring down my defences and I can't describe how painful it is to love someone and have developed this natural ability to keep them at a distance.
I have spoken to my counsellors in the past about this but I don't feel it was really delved into, it was a free service through college, which it turned out with work I couldn't handle. So as you see, it's not just a destination getting over a narc - there is growth, and there is progress but sometimes it hurts.
What is crazy is that I haven't argued with my new boyfriend once because it seems once you have been through hell minor things that would have bothered a less mature more self centred me ( im not perfect) just don't. I've researched relationships and truly have every best intention of trying to cultivate an honest, real and healthy relationship but coming straight from (This happened sooner than expected ) the last narc relationship I've been in has been a shock to the system and right now I'm just doing my best.
That concludes for today I think, if anyone has any thoughts or maybe any wisdom to impart on me from what I have raised in todays blogs or rambles, whichever way you see it, leave a comment. Thanks
So I've decided to get all this out on the table in like 3 blogs in one day but I feel like I may aswell because I have the time to do it right now and I feel this could be the most helpful blog to anyone who is really struggling to cope with any of the difficulties mentioned above with the mental strain and then also just the horrible post break up difficulties that come with this massive challenge.
I feel like post narc abuse is harder than going through the actual abuse because you get so numb to it all and obviously there are some good times because you get addicted to the feel good chemicals that come with all the lovey stuff.
As I mentioned in my previous blog I suffered with depression after this and I didn't feel like myself when I was with my friends, it was exhuasting and I was mostly putting on a big front which after a day would leave me needing to go back to bed and just lay there, missing him and crying for the most part because that's what felt right at the time. I was mourning the death of something which i had manufactured in my mind and having to reconcile with a part of myself which I had disconnected with in order to connect with him.
With that being said, there had to come a point were I would fight the urge to be swallowed by all the sadness and try and get some sort of normality back in my life, rebuilding parts of myself bit by bit and reflecting on how I had managed to betray myself to the extent I did, how I was going to repair and reconcile with myself. Because I felt alot of shame towards myself for allowing myself to be brainwashed to the extent I was.
I had survived the start of this new job and got into some vague routine there, which was positive. This boosted my self esteem, I just needed to set small goals which were personal to me, and hold myself accountable. So I bought a notebook, at first I couldn't write about anything serious because it felt stupid - I didn't plan on showing anyone anything that was being written.
So picked something which needed to be worked on which I could start on straight away - my weight. I had gained weight whilst being with my ex as he would feed me big bowls of pasta with white bread and hummus followed by ice cream or chocolate. Obviously the weight had piled on as it was christmas too! Perfect time to day drink and binge eat, not too bad since everyone else was doing it, but I digress.
Every day I would wake up and make my bed, drink some lemon water and write in my notebook what workouts I would do. I would write them in a list and one by one I would complete them, then write down what I had eaten. This boosted my mood and also gave me some sense of control over how I was feeling which was empowering at the time.
As the months shifted forward I started differing my entries from just exercise to managing my money issues, applying for social housing, applying for courses and planning holidays with my friends. The latter was probably the most difficult - I would find myself agreeing to go to social outings or planning holidays and then not being able to find anything to wear or thinking I wasn't good enough to enjoy myself. Obviously to anyone reading this it is non brainer as to why, I had been conditioned not to enjoy myself.
I put a ban on dating, for a good six months or so after the break. I had attention from guys but I didn't feel ready to connect with anyone. I was so vulnerable and lost that it didn't feel like a wise time. It was also a goal of mine to attend counselling and get myself on a college course - so i could take the experience from my job and get into university if I could complete my qualifications.
Some people may already have qualifications or a career but this is just an example of how if you pay attention to growing yourself and following an interest, setting goals just for yourself it can help alot with taking your mind away from the abuse and what you have been through. It almost sounds too simple, but it was massively effective for me.
There are still alot of things I need to go and do, things which I have done since then and stuff that has changed for me which I will address in my next blog. I will be writing about a new relationship and the challenges of trying to get back into the busy mundane bit of everyday life I wanted to get away from, this time being more sensitive to it than I was before with my anxiety - a fun new challenge I am fairly certain I have my past narc relationships to thank for.
I hope you have found this blog useful if you have any thoughts feel free to leave a comment.
In my first blog I have given a quick overview of what happened and how I came to separate from my narc. I found myself in my grandads spare front room. It was by no means a perfect situation but I had no choice, I was penniless at this point and also had to pay the tenancy I had signed as he was still living at the property.
This was probably harder than being in the cycle I was in previously because not only was I further away from my friends, I was going through withdrawal from the narc and starting a job I would have depended on support from him and whatnot. I felt alone and I spent alot of time in bed, I found it hard to spend time with friends because I was emotionally exhausted and I was afraid to use public transport incase I had an anxiety attack so I would accept lifts to and from my new job off my mum.
All i wanted to do was sleep when I wasn't working, and cry, and miss my ex who I hated but also felt I loved at the same time. It felt like some kind of tragedy. Despite me honouring my half of the tenancy he still critiqued me for not offering to pay half the bills considering I wasn't there I felt I had done enough and this just pushed me further from him.
I went back to the house to see him a couple of times and when I did I felt like I was seeing an old friend, all the bad feeling had vanished and i would feel a rush of butterflies and excitement. I just wanted to stay with him but knew I couldn't. I stayed one night and we got into an argument, he took a knife from the draw and took it upstairs. I feared for my safety at that point but also guessed it may have been for self harm as he had scars on his arms, he admitted as much when i confronted him and took the knife away from him.
Despite that event I saw him one last time, I stayed the night again and we slept together - I hated myself for it. I let him think we were getting back together which I'm not proud of but I didn't think he left me much choice with the way he would manipulate me. After getting home that day I pretty much cut contact for good. After the split I saw him around 3 times and that was the last.
He did try to get in touch after this with emails but I blocked them and burned my sim card so I couldn't read any texts from him. I was able to do that around the time that the tenancy came to an end and he wasn't able to stay there anymore. It was a milestone for me, I was officially free from any obligation I had been under before. I was also proud of myself for remaining mature and responsible despite what he had put me through.
9 months clean.
Hello dear reader,
Thank you for choosing to drop by my blog. I am writing this blog as a means of expression from what I have personally experienced and coping mechanisms I have utilised in the process, what we have gone through is equally as devastating im sure, but also different. If it helps to read this or you find comfort in it then I am glad.
I have always wanted to feel intense connections with people, something that pulls you from the mundane of everyday life to feel a specific bond between you and one other person. It helps make life feel less ordinary and in a way it helped me get away from aspects of myself maybe I didn't like in the every day ordinary version of myself.
So when I met my ex I was pretty much a lamb to the slaughter, I had been through it before and I knew I was tying myself to a broken person, but feeling that too I felt maybe together we would be stronger, and could find good in each other and create our own world away from everything else and everyone else that had hurt me.
Ultimately, I just wanted to be loved and needed and appreciated. And for that I would do anything and pay any price, and I did. It started like many other narc relationships do, he was funny, charming, good looking and seemed to want to know everything about me. So I told him everything, the good, the bad, the ugly. Almost daring him in the process to back off and do a runner - when he didn't i saw that as some kind of sign but I had no idea I had just given away all my cards.
During our relationship I changed as a person, All of a sudden there was shame in going out and getting drunk with my friends, or women being sexually liberated was a bad thing, he didnt like friends of mine who encouraged me to be my carefree self. He wanted me all to himself which I enjoyed, at first. I would find it refreshing that he would come home early after a night out and want to come straight over to see me. I thought we were in love but I know now I was wrong.
Then the fights started and he would insult me, throw things and then apologise profusely, in this society today we are taught that this is how couples who are deeply in love communicate, it's passionate, romantic and to be expecrted in "rough patches". Boy, was I wrong. I would get exhausted and end the relationship, but he would wear me down and I would be back again because no were else felt like home. I had poured all my time, energy, love and effort into this relationship that was crumbling. I felt hollow as a result, the cycle was never ending.
My anxiety and depression was at it's worst during this time, I lost my job, I was broke, couldn't see my friends, it was awful. It was around this time he asked me to move in and I was probably at my lowest and weakest. Despite being a strong willed person who would defend myself viciously when he would try to attack or hurt me with insults or worse - he always got the better of me with his manipulative ways and I think he liked the challenge.
My landlord had done me over by not paying council tax and i couldn't afford to pay rent, around this time he was moving out of his flat and asked if we could move into a house. We found a house and it was perfect - for a young couple, two bedrooms and better than we could have hoped for. It was make or break time. So I signed the 6 month tenancy and hoped for the best - I was going to try and fix it all and we would make it or I would leave.
During that time I was waiting for my CRB check to come back so i could start a new job which by the way was incredibly challenging and required me to undergo training which i did, on little sleep because we were arguing all the time about how mental I was and how irresponsible it was for me to have not found another job to cover myself til then. It was a harrowing time, I felt trapped and alone, ashamed by not finding the energy to dust myself off and find a job while dealing with the emotional stress I was dealing with.
I started to notice him coming home later after his gigs, one night I noticed glitter on his lips - and I was sure I could smell perfume, when he freaked out over his phone being in the bathroom while i was showering I should have known. The night we broke up I had already been trying to sleep on the floor in the spare room, we had a row and "our" room wearing his dressing robe, he followed me and pinned me up against the wall. At that time i knew it was over.
Over the next few days I tried to arrange getting furniture for the spare room as I had no where to go, or atleast thought so. I tried to stay civil but things came to a head when one day I was cooking food and he asked if he could have some, i agreed so and he went upstairs. I prepared two plates and put his serving out and called his name - he didn't hear so I decided to sit down and when he came down he accused me of leaving his to go cold and insulted me.
I snapped and went to throw the food away, he stood in my way, in my personal space refusing to let me throw away his food. I bent his finger back in a moment of rage after being intimated for months on end and he pushed me around the kitchen screaming. I was terrified and ran upstairs, at this point I knew I needed help and messaged a friend who told me he would come and pick me up.
I ended up staying at my grandads house and starting the new job with chronic depression and anxiety, it was one of the most challenging times of my life and it was in no way done at that stage. This was the last narc relationship I was in, I will probably post more but I wanted to give an overview to my experience. Please feel free to message or comment. Thanks for reading.